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You love your children unconditionally. From sleepless nights with a newborn to watching them take their first steps, you've sacrificed for them their entire lives. Now they're struggling in an economy that feels stacked against them. Every parent's instinct is to help—but what happens when helping them hurts your retirement security? Recent studies reveal a sobering reality: 50% of parents now provide regular financial assistance to adult children, averaging nearly $1,500 monthly.¹ More alarming, 61% of parents sacrifice their own emergency savings to help their kids.² For Washington State public employees approaching retirement, this trend threatens decades of careful DRS planning. The truth is hard but necessary: You cannot pour from an empty cup. As a parent, I understand the deep desire to shield our children from struggle. When I watched my 18-month-old daughter take her wobbly first steps, I wanted to catch her every time she fell. But I know she needed to learn balance on her own. The same principle applies to adult children and financial independence. Compromising your retirement security often shifts an even heavier burden to your children later. Core Principles: Your Financial Oxygen Mask 1. Your Retirement Cannot Be Borrowed Unlike college expenses or homes, you cannot get a loan for retirement. Your DRS pension calculation is final once you retire—there are no do-overs.³ 2. Financial Independence Is the Greatest Gift Just as we teach toddlers to walk by letting them fall and get back up, adult children need to experience financial challenges to develop resilience. Enabling dependency robs your children of the confidence and skills they need to thrive. True support means helping them build their own wings. 3. Emergency Boundaries Are Sacred 69% of Generation X parents sacrifice their emergency savings to help adult children.⁴ This creates a house of cards that benefits no one when it falls. 4. Clear Expectations Prevent Resentment Open-ended financial support breeds anxiety for parents and entitlement in children. Boundaries protect relationships and finances. 5. Washington State Advantages Matter With no state income tax and strong DRS benefits, you have unique retirement advantages—protect them.⁵ Your 3-Step Financial Oxygen Mask Strategy Step 1: Secure Your Own Foundation First Before helping anyone, ensure your retirement is on track. Use DRS benefit estimators to confirm your pension will cover basic expenses. If it won't, every dollar you give away delays your financial security. Your Foundation Checklist:
Step 2: Create Bounded Support Systems Help strategically, not emotionally. Create a separate "family support fund" with clear limits that never touch retirement savings. Smart Support Boundaries:
The goal isn't perpetual support—it's launching independent adults. Focus on building their capacity, not solving their problems. Independence-Building Support:
The Partnership Model Instead of giving money, create win-win arrangements. Adult children living at home pay reasonable rent covering increased costs. They save money while you protect your budget. The Emergency-Only Safety Net Provide help only during genuine crises—job loss, medical emergencies, or unexpected major expenses. This teaches resilience while offering security. The Investment Approach Support purchases that build their future: education, professional development, or down payment assistance for appreciating assets. Avoid funding consumption. Hard Truths About Retirement and Family Support You are not responsible for your adult children's lifestyle choices. You raised them, loved them through skinned knees and teenage heartbreaks, educated them, and launched them. Their struggles, while painful to watch, are theirs to overcome. Just as you wouldn't carry your toddler everywhere to prevent them from falling, you shouldn't carry your adult children financially to prevent them from learning. Sacrificing your retirement security helps no one long-term. When you run out of money in retirement, your children will face caring for you financially—a burden that could crush their own financial futures. Financial boundaries strengthen relationships. Children who learn to solve their own problems develop confidence and respect for themselves and their parents. Your peace of mind matters. Nearly 80% of parents supporting adult children worry about their retirement security.1 This stress affects your health, relationships, and quality of life. Supporting your children and securing your retirement aren't mutually exclusive—but they require intentional balance. Your retirement security is not selfish; it's responsible parenting that extends into their adulthood. When you model financial discipline and independence, you teach your children the most valuable lesson of all: how to take care of themselves. As I plan for my young daughter's future, I'm reminded that the greatest gift I can give her isn't a trust fund or endless financial support—it's the knowledge that she's capable, resilient, and strong enough to build her own successful life. The same applies to your adult children. The greatest gift you can give your children is not financial dependence on you, but the confidence that comes from knowing they can thrive on their own. Put your oxygen mask on first—then help them put on theirs. Sources and Resources -Seth Deal
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AuthorsBob Deal is a CPA with over 30 years of experience and been a financial planner for 25 years. Archives
July 2025
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